A few nights back we headed off to a Copeland concert (he of the Fanfare For The Common Man variety) performed alongside a few other New World pieces.
We were making our way to the Albert Hall on the trusty 360 when the bus pulled over outside Bibendums Restaurant to take onboard two very large old guys who looked to be in their early seventies . These chaps were obviously twins and though initially I thought my mind and eyes were playing tricks on me, these men were actually attired in identical garb. You have to admit it, this is a pretty strange look for a couple of old heavily overweight guys, even if they were twins. Julia immediately leaned over and whispered in my ear, what's the bet these guys' mother spent all her life choosing their clothes and dressing them the same and assuming she's long gone you would have to think these men couldn't see any reason to break the habits of a lifetime.
So there they were , sitting side by side in the bus, decked out in matching black loafers, beige trousers and red & white checked shirts. Creepy , very creepy.
Obviously the bus seats couldn't contain two similar sized posteriors packed side by side, so one of the guys spent the entire trip with his left cheek hanging over the side of his seat.
When we alight at the Albert Hall these guys also exit the bus.
My obvious thought was, I pity the poor buggers who have to sit next to these guys. It will be a nightmare.
Anyway, off for a few pre concert drinks to get us in the mood before we wander over to the Choir East seats which have a fantastic location right behind the stage and just above the percussion section.
We were about six rows back and just as we were getting settled, in wandered our very large twins, who proceeded to waddle over to a couple of seats three rows down and directly below us.
These guys plonk themselves down and without apparently exchanging so much as a word, then proceed to cross their arms on top of their stomachs.
To put this scene into perspective I would suggest that once settled these guys elbows were laying horizontal with their shoulders and as for seat space, well, all I can say that that the concert goers who were going to be seated either side of these dudes were going to be in for a rather interesting experience.
Then, if things couldn't get worse, joy of joys, it does.
In strolls two middle-aged women, one of normal size, the other , bless her soul, at least an XXXL and you guessed it in one, their seats were directly to the right of Billy Bunter and his twin.
When she saw what is about to go down both Julia and I had to use all of our self control to avoid bursting out laughing.
First things first, these women had to get past the twins.
Under normal circumstances you would just stand up, flick your seat back and leave enough space for other bodies to pass you.
However this was never going to be a goer.
So what these twins did (over the years they have obviously had plenty of practice with this manoeuvre ) is that they turned around and whilst looking towards us and away from the stage , proceeded to lodge their stomach areas on top of their seats.
It was a very weird look but it worked.
We were trying not to look, but you know what it's like, some things are just so weird that you can't avoid taking a gawk.
So here's the scene prior to the rest of the row being filled up in this sell out concert.
The first big guy is eating up his seat 14 and half of 13.
The second guy is wedged into 15 and overflowing into 16.
The large woman two doors down in 17 is overflowing into both 16 and 18
As for the large woman's friend, she has somehow managed to squeeze herself into 16 and was last sighted disappearing under two protrusions courtesy of seats 15 and 17 appendages that resembled rather large quivering hams.
This spectacle is made complete when two normal sized persons attempt to sit in both 13 and 18.
It's a tight fit as 13 and 18 are also forced to encroach into their respective partners territory in 12 and 19.
From the safety of my seat it appeared as if 11 and 20 and points east and west of same got a cram free run.
NOBODY MOVE, AND TRY NOT TO BREATHE, IT'S A SHORT CONCERT. WE SHOULD ALL BE OUT OF HERE IN TWO AND A HALF HOURS!
Talk about nightmare territory.
What am I saying. We loved it . The spectacle was almost as good as the concert.
I must remember to try and book these cheaper choir seats in the future . It's a very interesting location.
There is something very positive about English concert goers as they simply don't care one jot about either the size of the person seated next to them, their looks or what they are wearing. There are only four things that English concert goers frown upon: latecomers, people that applaud at inappropriate moments, people who talk or whisper during the performance and last but not least, other concert goers who generate disagreeable body odour.
Having experienced all four, sometimes in the same concert, we are in full agreement.
Cheers
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